2013 Week 23: Leaving baby in the hospital

“Get me out of here!” was the general sentiment after a C-section laid me up in hospital for almost a week. As much as I wanted to leave, though, I was heartbroken having to do so without my daughter.

Olivia needed a little extra attention having arrived about a month early. The midwives cautioned that a 36-week gestation baby is particularly tricky — not too far from what’s considered by medical folks as full term, parents tend to expect a little too much progress a little too quickly.

The truth is, she missed out on four to five weeks of development, much of that in the lungs.

Our No. 2 was born with a mild case of Infant Respiratory Distress Syndrome. Each breath she took, Olivia sounded like a teeny squeak toy. She spent 24 hours in special care but was quickly out of danger and never required extra oxygen.

Eating was the next challenge. Too tired to eat full meals, she was the annoyed recipient of a feeding tube. Tiny and green, the tube was taped to her cheek, inserted through her nostril into her belly.

A firm swipe of the tube pulled it out the first night, so her hand was covered with a little white mitten.

We eagerly charted her progress — how much milk she took via bottle, and how much via tube. She continued to improve every day, but she wasn’t ready to leave with me.

It was a painful parting. How wrong it felt to give birth and leave her to someone else’s care.

We visited her for a few hours every day. Sophie took advantage of the new stash of toys in the hospital play room.  And I relished in the one silver lining of our separation — a little sleep.

My nerves hit a low point, however, when we realized our new baby was left unattended as midwives cared for mothers and babies still in hospital.

Her only security was a keypad for which every family was given its code. My mind, seeped in postpartum hormones, wandered to dark places with visions of kidnapping headlines.

I’d already begun to doubt the hospital’s security protocols when, on day three, I noticed Olivia had never been given an ID bracelet.

My stomach turned every minute of the day I wasn’t with her.

It was almost a week after I left the hospital that our sweet girl was eating all her meals without the feeding tube and we were given the green light to bring her home.

Looking back, a week isn’t long, but when you’re counting minutes, it’s a heavy weight. Walking out those doors with our 6 pound girl strapped to my chest, I felt light as a feather.

2013 Week 22: Hypno Time

As promised, here’s an update on my experience using HypnoBabies for Olivia’s birth.

I can’t say it helped in the way most people imagine, the way I’d hoped it would. But I don’t regret the time and effort I put into it.

HypnoBabies is a sort of relaxation practice meant to be helpful for women preparing for natural childbirth, to have a more comfortable experience (note I didn’t say “pain-free”).

I began the course materials a couple of months before my due date and was almost immediately glad I’d made the investment.

Without a thorough understanding of hypnosis in general, what struck me was the program’s goal of replacing expectations of fear and pain with those of relaxation and joy. Sounds cheesy. Sure. But I’m well aware, being a seasoned worrier, how powerful our mind is to elicit different emotions.

Having been entrenched in a pattern of fear having chosen to try for natural delivery instead of a planned repeat C-section (see my previous post on the matter here), the hypnosis lessons did their job reminding me to shift my thought patterns.

It’s often easier to map out all possible bad scenarios. Sometimes it’s even prudent to plan for the negative outcomes. But acknowledging something and worrying about it are very different things, the latter taking a heavy toll on your emotions.

Positive scenarios are just as likely, if not more so. So if you’re going to take up brain power imagining the future (that you can’t predict), why not put some positive pictures up there.

This reminder, day after day, brought me out from under the doom cloud fairly quickly.

After that is the practice of, not necessarily removing pain, but learning how to relax through it. Pain brings tension and tension heightens the experience of pain. Hypnosis can remind you how, in uncomfortable situations, to find your “happy place.” Seriously.

I didn’t get to put these lessons into practice during labor, I never went into labor a day and a half after my water broke, thus another C-section. But I did practice what I’d learned during the countless pokes and prods of my surgery and recovery. In fact, one of the lessons focused on accepting outcomes for which we haven’t planned.

It’s hard to say whether my “happy place” shielded me from pain or whether I wouldn’t have felt it to begin with, but that’s not really the point. At least not for me. I had some trying experiences and with this extra bit of knowledge I felt more at ease.

In the end, that’s why I’d embarked on the HypnoBabies path in the first place.

2013 Week 20: A birth story – OR – That wasn’t pee

Happy Birthday, Olivia!

It was 5:30 a.m. when I checked the clock. More pregnancy insomnia. Made a mental note to wish Mom a happy birthday.

Rolled over to relieve the burgeoning hip pain from laying on the doctor-approved left side … when it happened. One month to go and I developed another embarrassing pregnancy symptom — incontinence.

Did I really just pee myself?

Cautiously, I rolled my big belly out of bed. “They” say, if you stand up and gush, it’s your water. I braced. No gush.

I headed out for a morning of errands terrified that everyone on the train, in town, everywhere would see I’d sprung a leak. Sophie had her 18 month check up. No chance I could sit this one out at home. All morning, with teeny tiny steps, I pushed Sophie in her stroller, clenching my legs, through our hilly neighborhood, waiting for any sign that today was game day.

As hours ticked by, and things didn’t let up, doubt in the pee theory grew. My baby doc wasn’t so sure either. I made an appointment for later that night to determine one way or another whether the next grocery list would include adult or newborn diapers.

I called Dom and, just in case, packed my hospital bag.

Evening came and Dom drove me to the hospital. When I left the car, Sophie, who had been particularly affectionate all day, burst into tears. I guess she knew something big was about to change because within two minutes, the midwives confirmed I had not peed myself. They said: “you can’t leave until you have this baby.”

So much for another Hollywood myth — water gushes followed by an onset of contractions.

Contractions were going nowhere. Since I’d had a previous C-section, induction was out of the question – a point of some debate, but that’s neither here nor there. My hopes for a natural delivery were fading.

My doctor came by to wish me good luck. She was heading for a weekend on the slopes. Another surgeon would deliver this baby.  I was given a few more hours to see what my body might do, some antibiotics to stave off infection. By the time morning turned to afternoon, I was resigned to go under the knife.

With family and friends’ encouragement, I accepted the new direction. Thirty three hours after my water broke I was being prepared for surgery. Prepared to meet my baby girl.

A few less than comfortable moments and my baby girl was born a month early with perfect scores, pink and wide-eyed as they come.

Welcome to the world, Olivia!

2013 Week 4: What’s my name?

I am almost 35 weeks pregnant. This little person could show up any time in the next month and a half. When that happens, unless something changes soon, the child will be nameless.

We have had a top 12 list for months and are no closer to picking a name than we were before we got the big positive.

There has to be a name here somewhere.

Several months ago I stuck sticky notes with names on our closet door. We rearrange them in order of our favorites when the mood strikes. Once in a while a name falls to the floor and we ask, is this a sign? Does the name suck and is off the list? Or is this the one!

Then last night I had a dream. I was able to see No. 2 and have a little conversation. Everyone around me kept saying I had to put the baby back because it wasn’t time yet. So after a moment I said: “Before you go, sweetie, could you please look at those sticky notes and pick your name?”

But the notes had been removed. Too many people were around and we wanted to keep it a surprise.

I woke up so happy with the thought of getting to hold my baby. But still have NO NAME!!!!

2013 Week 3: Hypnotize me

Childbirth is scary, painful and tends to brings out the trucker mouth in women.

That’s the reality for a lot of moms and certainly how it looks on TV.

Preparing for No. 2

Some women, however, have found ways to move away from fear, work with the intensity of birth to lessen the pain and even –gasp– smile in the delivery room.

One of those techniques is a childbirth course called Hypnobabies.

I’d heard of this six-week program when I was pregnant with Sophie but didn’t look into it. Hypnosis seemed a little too out there for me.

After the stress of Sophie’s birth, however, I feel more motivated than ever to do anything I can to have a healthy, peaceful labor.

The thing that impressed me the most as I looked through reviews of the program and birth stories of women who’d studied self hypnosis was its applications not just in the practically unheard of world of drug-free births. Some have used it to have a completely relaxed natural birth from start to finish. Others used it to help them get to the point where they knew they wanted pain meds, like epidural anesthesia. And still others found their new skills vital when the “plan” went out the window and they could use hypnosis to cope in very stressful situations, including c-sections and recovery.

The more I read, the more I felt the program could help me ease my fears. See my previous post about deciding on whether or not to have an elective surgical childbirth or attempt a vaginal delivery.

So far I have enjoyed what I’ve read and practiced. (Since I’m in Switzerland and without access to live classes, I opted for a home study guide. It includes several CDs with hypnosis instructions for daily practice and positive messages about having babies.)

My first impression was skeptical — I laughed when I read through the program’s efforts to replace words that may have negative connotations — contractions are called pressure waves. Labor is called birthing time. But I have to say, getting into Hypnobabies is like going to the movies. The willing suspension of disbelief allows you to hang up your inner critic, your reality checker, and choose to accept the story as it unfolds.

Hypnosis, as I’m understanding it, is choosing to accept suggestions. Right now these suggestions are telling me that I can view childbirth in other ways besides painful and scary. It can be peaceful. It can be easy. And since I truly believe thoughts control our emotions, I am letting go of the skeptic to see where this takes me.

I’m feeling more confident every day that I can have an easier birth, although it remains to be seen how hypnosis will work for me on the big day.

One thing I know for certain: The fear I felt on an almost daily basis as I faced the decision to have a natural birth has toned down dramatically. The reinforcement of positive thoughts is starting to outrank the negativity that was swirling in my brain. That in itself is worth the effort.

This post, by the way, is not an advertisement of any sort. Just sharing what I’m doing.

2013 Week 2: The joy of undecorating

I love the holidays. Everything about it. Especially decorating. The way the house feels  warm and cozy with cinnamon candles and a glowing Christmas tree.

But to be honest, this year, I couldn’t wait to undecorate.

Sophie diving into gifts on Christmas morning

We’ve been in Christmas mode since Halloween. I loved it. But the minute Christmas had passed, my tree  annoyed me. There was so much “stuff” just sitting around. Santas. Advent calendars. Garlands. Lights.

I wanted it all boxed up so I could finally say we’ve passed the holiday benchmark.

This probably had something to do with the fact that I have been marking pre-baby No. 2 time by saying: “After the holidays, the baby will be here soon.” And “We need to do X and Y, but let’s worry about that after the holidays.”

My brain needed to clear out the clutter, check Christmas off the list, and turn my attention to No. 2′s arrival.

Yesterday I boxed up everything! There really wasn’t that much. One plastic bin of decorations and lights, and the case for ornaments. Still, it felt amazing. Ahhhh. Then it felt bare. Sigh.

(We have yet to move the tree to the compost pile. Last year, the tree called our balcony home until March. So any time this month would be great.)

So here we go. Undecorated. Holidays officially over. Let the nesting begin!

2013 Week 1: King for a day

Happy New Year!

Here in Switzerland, the holiday season doesn’t end when you ring in the new year. You get to celebrate DreiKönigstag, or three kings’ day, on January 6. The day marks the Christian acknowledgement of Epiphany, the manifestation of God in human form — the day it’s said that the Wise Men, or Kings, or Magi, visited the baby Jesus.

In honor of the Magi, the Swiss bake a delicious cake, Dreikönigskuchen, that looks like this one on kitchenfriends.ch Web site.

Photo by kitchenfriends.ch

We shared our cake with another Swiss/American couple whose son was born in the same hospital one day after Sophie.

Each person tears a piece of the sweet bread, similar to a raisin loaf, and cautiously bites in. Because hidden somewhere in the cake is a tiny statue of a king. Whoever finds the statue is crowned (yes, the cakes usually come with a gold paper crown) king for the day.

And yours truly found the king … after having two pieces! I made Dom rub my shoulders at the end of the day. He does this all the time anyway, but still.

So with the holidays all wrapped up, I hope everyone had some good celebrations, great food and time with friends and family.